Being Gentle

Well, it's been more than a year since I've moved to Montana and about 6 months since I've blogged. I've tried twice to write blog entries intended first at catching people up on my life and then the second attempt was intended to reflect on the year. Both apparently seemed too daunting to complete. So, here I am today, where I am. No looking back (unless it naturally flows from my fingertips into this entry) and no feelings of guilt for not keeping my blog more current. Let it be known only that I had an amazingly full summer which left me delighted at times and wishing that I too could hibernate come winter.

I've noticed many changes in myself, both personally and professionally while on this little journey in time. One thing that has been constant, however, has been my insistence to the girls to "be gentle with yourself." It's my mantra... at least for others. In a job that has potential to be so fulfilling, it can be painfully emotional. I especially struggle when I witness with amazement the growth and internal strength capable at such a fragile age, only to hear such words of negativity and dissatisfaction aimed directly at herself. Of course, it is for this that I am employed, and yet everyday I am impressed with at least one student's talent, resilience, insights, or profound beauty. And, almost everyday I hear tales self-hatred so pervasive I almost wince. This, of course, is when "be gentle with yourself" seems to be the opening line to wherever our therapy will go from that point. Girls have at times nodded before I even finish the line, knowing this mantra all too well.

So, how is it that we can get so wrapped up in our own world that we can offer kind and nurturing words to others that we innocently forget to say to ourselves? On the way to hot springs in Canada the other day, I was sharing with a friend the internal struggles I'm facing: Where am I in life? Where do I want to be? What does what I want, mean? What are my intentions for myself? While revealing each question, I was responding with words of guilt and shame for my current answers to the questions. The responses that felt and feel natural to me at this stage in life are somehow "not right" or "not good enough." She looked at me and said "you know, you really have to be gentle with yourself. I think you're being really hard on yourself." There it was... my own words staring me in the face and rightfully so. In addition to all of those questions I ask myself on a daily basis, I tell myself how I "should" be doing, what my intentions "should" be and where I "should" be in life. What a burden to carry on top of questions that are difficult enough to ask oneself. I mean, is saying what I "should" do really going to make decisions any easier? Is it really going to simplify the next obstacles around the corner? I've been down this path and it most certainly will not. I once had a therapist of my own ask me "would you say the things you say to yourself now to your 6 year old self?" Those were some of the most powerful words ever spoken to me. Think about it. Take a moment to imagine the meanest things you've ever said to yourself... (I would list examples, but I don't really feel like being that forthcoming). Now, imagine saying those things to the cutest version of you at age 5 or 6. Ouch, right? So, I'm bringing this image back to light with hopes that I will be kinder to my being, my soul. After all, our society tells us enough about who we "should" be... we really don't need another person creating more feelings of inadequacy or incompetence. I have my theories on what this behavior is a symptom of, but that's another entry. We are all humans just trying to (ideally) be a better person today than we were the day before. I attempt to live my life aware of my actions and how they effect others so that I might always treat another with kindness and compassion. In the words of the 14th Dalai Lama "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

And so, here it is... Fall (aka Texas winter). My hands and feet are constantly cold and I find myself less concerned than last year with saving energy by reserving the heaters for only the coldest of nights. And while my mind wants to berate me for my mindless usage of energy, my soul is reminding me that I am just not cut out for this cold weather and it is OK to be comfortable in my own home without wearing 15 layers at all times!

So, my intentions for the week: 1) to be gentle with myself as I sort through some very difficult questions, curiosities, and hopes for myself and 2) to do one thing this week that nurtures my physical being and soul. And, whenever I next come to my computer, ready to inform the world wide web of where I am in life, I hope that I didn't beat myself up in the meantime for how long it took me to return.

Namaste!