How can a week feel like an eternity? How can the mind be so exhausted it only finds relief in breaking down and crying in order to stop thinking and processing?
Last week started with 9 hours of group therapy within a 12 hour work day. Accountability Circles... an opportunity to fess up to your mistakes, misjudgments, and knowledge of others' missteps in front of your community and therapist. A chance to start fresh... lift the weight from your chest and acknowledge your mistakes in order to learn from them and better understand yourself. A day of girls taking accountability for their actions, some of which occurred months prior. Actions that in everyday teenage life would be nothing... chewing gum while on gum ban, talking to a toxic peer, having a little Shaggy on your iPod....
Censorship and rules serve different purposes for each girl here. For some, it's learning to respect authority; for others, it's learning that they are stronger, more beautiful young women than the models they see on TV. Here, at this therapeutic boarding school, censorship is intended to protect girls with fragile senses of self from exposure to the objectification of their gender and the expectation of superficial beauty - the themes we see on every commercial and advertisement - the messages that tell these young girls that they are only beautiful, and therefore worthy, if they can fit the mold of this unattainable ideal.
Some girls took accountability for "mean girl" behavior, some girl seemed unaware of the effect of their exclusivity, some girls appeared to have more they weren't saying, and still others seemed so ashamed and disappointed that this exercise in honesty felt more damaging than healing. Of course, it was the girls who broke the least significant rules and who are excellent leaders and contributors to this community who seemed to take this exercise the hardest. The girls with conscience. The girls who were truly able to understand the effects of their actions. Some ended up internalizing their mistakes as character flaws. How is it that there are such extremes for taking accountability for one's actions - from complete rejection of responsibility to diminished sense of self? As with all else in this world, the healthiest approach is the one found in the middle - holding oneself accountable for one's actions and taking responsibility for the results of said actions without becoming the mistakes. It's the simple difference in saying "She has 15 of those, what does she care if I take one?" or "I stole from my peer and lost her trust in me" or "I am a thief and therefore bad."
At the end of the day, the exhaustion feels like the weight of a freight train but with the lightness of a clear conscience.
The next day snow fell. The first snow to stick to the ground. The snow fell like graceful tears, cathartic in their own right.
My accountability list:
I sometimes take out my irritability on undeserving others.
I have not always been an empathic friend and considered their loneliness until I too felt lonely.
I sometimes tell white lies to protect others' feelings.
I hold resentment toward a lovable little pooch who wants nothing but my attention.
I don't always express my true feelings to the people I need to directly express them to.
My resolutions:
To know why I am irritable and address it directly.
To attempt to put myself in other's shoes and imagine the impact of my selfish words before uttering them.
To be honest even if it might hurt, acknowledging that ultimately the white lies damage the relationship.
To recognize that I made the choice to have a sweet little dog who doesn't much like to be outside and has a small bladder AND to love her still.
To build relationships on honesty and mutual respect.
Things I've learned:
- there is no freedom like honesty
- snow tires help me sleep at night
- Sophie can get lost in 8 inches of snow
- snow looks like glitter in the moonlight
- knitting at a bar opens up so many opportunities
- chicken feet apparently make delicious stock
- you have to shovel snow off the lake before skating
