Things I've Learned

Each day, I'd like to think I learn something new... about myself, about this small town and/or Montana, about the girls, about my job... you get the point. Here's a list of things I've learned so far:

- It takes me twice as long to get home at night than during the day... thank you mr. deer.
- You can tell fall photos from spring photos by the lines of snow on the mountains. In the fall the snow cuts across the mountains in a straight line, working its way from the top on down, until winter (i.e. snow in the valley and all around). I presently experience this as the great big snow monster creeping closer and closer, waiting to swallow me whole. In the spring, as the snow melts there is no straight line but patches of snow left in places the sun can't reach (I'm already looking forward to this).
- I'm not as cold natured as I thought... I'm handling the cool weather quite well, despite my fear of "real" winter arriving and the aforementioned snow monster.
- Texas winter = Montana fall
- Sophie is my best friend and I am hers. We run laps around the yard when I get home; sometimes I chase her, sometimes she chases me - each of us in our sweaters. I imagine we're quite the sight if we had any witnesses to our silly behavior.
- I was right about cable TV... as much as I despise it, I have little willpower against it.
- Bear spray is NOT the same size as your run of the mill keychain mace!
- Some evergreen trees turn yellow and drop needles! Technically they are Larch trees in the conifer family... I think. I still need a tree book!
- While not an official holiday, two days out of the year for each Montanan is SNOW TIRE DAY. One day in the winter when you swap out your summer time wheels for a nice set of ice-safe studs... or something, and one day in the spring when you do the reverse.
- Beavers make a LOT of dams!
- The woman who offers Reiki healing in Eureka also communicates with animals... and YES, I plan on taking Sophie for a visit.

Now, I'm sure I've missed some key lessons learned, but I'll start there. You can periodically expect similar lists of fun facts and "why didn't common sense tell me that" discoveries.

As for my experience? Well, I imagine making a move like this requires a similar process as going through the stages of grief. Now, let it be known, I am NOT comparing my move to actual grief (though I think I do grieve my old life), but rather that I think there will be stages for me in order to process this new life.

Stage 1 was superficial homesickness. I felt it as soon as I arrived and for the first 2 weeks. It's a constant questioning and doubting if this is real "Did I really move to Montana?" and a constant feeling of wanting to be back in your old home with familiar faces, Sunday Strum day (Cherrywoodies, that's what I'm calling Sunday mornings with Eva strumming on the couch, jump on board), Tuesday Art club, el chilito within blocks, and heat.
Stage 2 and 3 I think overlap and will be continuous.

Stage 2 is adjust and be amazed. Everything is new and interesting (even when you know you wouldn't give a damn about a similar event back where you came from. Example: woman at tire store has 2 Maltese - you would think we were long lost friends; or horses pass gas while trotting - makes enough sense but somehow amazed me when I first heard it).

Stage 3 is legitimate homesickness and a sick feeling you're in the wrong place even though you know you just have to ride it out. And you're riding it out, not out of pride but out of a deep knowing that it really will be ok; and that this really was a good decision. It's an aching curiosity about what everyone else is doing back home... and yes, I know that it's probably the same thing they were doing when I left, but it doesn't make it any easier. Perhaps this isn't a stage for everyone; those of you who have unyielding self-confidence... you probably don't have to suffer at this one... grrrrr! It's a feeling that you are totally inadequate for the job you're given (despite the other voice in your head saying "you are exactly where you are supposed to be" and you CHOSE this job).

I've struggled throughout my life with a fear that people would "figure me out;" discover that I'm not as charming as I put on or that I'm not as skilled at my job as they think or that I'm really just a scared child who never learned how to trust herself. Well, there it is... figured.out. And yet, I don't know if it's true. Every time I have this thought it's followed up by a day when I feel totally in control of my life or at least comfortable with the lack of control.

It's funny though. As I sit here typing away, gushing my feelings where I probably shouldn't, I glanced at an email I just received from my sister asking "where did you learn to be so self-confident?" I even fooled her. My very own sister, who I trust with my fears and hopes... and who trusts hers to me. Does this mean she doesn't know me or does it mean that I don't know myself to the point of even putting on a front with my flesh and blood, my plutonic beshert? I am constantly around people who are figuring themselves out. Learning about why they have difficulty with trust, control, or security. I can't help but wonder, how am I to help them when I haven't even figured this out for myself? And yet, the 15 years I've got on these girls allow me to recognize that we will never fully have ourselves figured out. And, that part of the amusement that is "life" is constantly learning from the mistakes, the accidents, the screw ups, and the curve balls that are thrown at us every time we think we've got it figured out.

Additional stages TBD.